Last night

I have thought today about discontinuing this, stop communicating with you at all. I don’t really know why I cannot get you out of my system. I wish I could figure it out. I really wish that I could see the future, to know that I will find a love like you, or even greater, somewhere down the road. I know that is the human condition though; we cannot know if, or when, things will work out.
I am so thankful to you for what you said before you left last night. I guess I have thought that the majority of your memories throughout all of this have been about how screwed up I am, and how much I hurt you. To know that you think so many positive things about me, and me and you, means a lot.
With that said, I should tell you…
You were also the best sex I have ever had. You are the most charismatic person I have ever met when you are not down. You are also the most beautiful woman I have ever dated. You are the most naturally gifted and talented person I know. You have an incredible heart, and an equally impressive head on your shoulders. You really were what I was looking for, and because of that, it is difficult to get over you.
I know that I can find someone else if it is not you, but it has seemed to me worth trying to get you back, since I know you were what I was looking for, what I had waited for. I know I need to move past this line of thinking now, but having you love me, and you allowing me to love you, was an incredible gift for both of us.
One of the most meaningful things that you said to me last night was about my sadness, about how it overwhelmed you and you could not imagine raising a child or being married to that sadness. Trust me, I know that if I had not started addressing the sadness fully, I would not have been in this world much longer. I am sorry that I did not take the good steps I have taken now while we were still together.
It does make me sad that you never get to see the progress I have made, that you only see me when I am sad now. It’s the nature of the situation, but trust me, I am much better now. Between the medication and the things I have come to understand about myself, I am slowly climbing into a state of happiness and self-respect. I am not saying any of this to try to win you back. I am saying it because you said that you were tired of feeling sorry for me last night. Please, I beg you, stop feeling sorry for me. Things hurt, sure, but this does not dominate my life anymore. I am okay on a day-to-day basis.
You say that you think the two of us together was too volatile of a mixture. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. I think we were two people that were dealing with a lot of baggage who used the relationship – sometimes healthily, other times not so healthily – to hang our baggage on. I think that our individual problems collided and magnified at times, but it was not the relationship, or the chemistry that did that. God knows the chemistry was perfect once.
It still is lonely without you here. It is lonely hugging the pillow that is now you. It is sad not to see your face daily. Bout you know what Grier, all of this is because of something. I am learning so much about myself through the pain and loneliness. I am learning how to be alone. I am learning what I truly like and dislike- what I want and do not want. At the end of every day though, I still do want you. I don’t need you, I want you. That is a huge difference to me now.
I hope the rest of your weekend went well. I hope that the movie was good. I am going to watch Junebug when I get finished with this.
I saw Liz tonight and she was really sad and crying a bit. If you haven’t already talked to her, she might could use a call.
Take care, sweetheart.