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You are my heart. You are my joy. I wish you would come back into my chest, my body, my soul. You were my biggest fan and I pissed on it. Not that I thought I could find better, but perhaps because I did not think I deserved it that good. Did you know I was your biggest fan too?
I don’t want to feel half passion, half love, half desire anymore. I want to feel what I had with you. The only person I still feel it with is you. Broken pieces and all, you and I are much better people than the average person I have met in these days since “you and I.”
You burn inside me now with a flame as large as there ever was. It brightens my days, but makes my nights sometimes more lonely. I want you beside me every night, for the rest of my life. I want you there at the end of the day. I want your sweet voice singing me to sleep when the confusion overtakes me. I will muster what voice I have to calm you too. I will sing lullabies nightly if needed. I swear, G, I want this more than anything possible in this life.

The last month plays like a dream now. I am not sure where the things to touch are and what parts I have simply conjured. Robert and Chicago and Asheville and Tom Waits. As Robert said on the way to the airport, it is hard to believe that we actually saw him. That we were in the same room. I cannot even remember all of the details now, it is just a bright ambient light, a sense of warmth, yet still like a dream.
I thought it could not be topped until Saturday night. I don’t romanticize our evening. I don’t think it necessarily means something concrete. It’s was comfortable, and relaxed and old in that good way. I had forgotten how you felt in my arms. How it felt for you to be holding me. I forgot how well we sleep together. I don’t think I have slept that well in a while.
I have dreamt of that night many times in the last year. I wondered would I ever be back in that bed, under that comforter, sidled beside you. In the sense that it happened it was the realization of those dreams, and thus dreamlike too.
I do hope it wasn’t the last time. I can’t believe right now that it is. I could spend my life sleeping beside you.

Laying in the living room of this Chicago flat tonight, I lie on this air mattress and dream of you resting beside me. There are not enough pillows for me to hug you the way I do on a normal night. There are not enough ways for me to describe what all of this means. I am relegated to this room because you are not here and will not be and that will be better for the enjoyment of these boys, but I long for a day in which you are back here with me. Your smiling face meeting their smiling face. They do love you, you know? It was told to me tonight as being so.
I realize now, and finally, that you are not the vampires with which I tend to tarry these days. I never wanted to suck you dry. I feel, and Robert agrees, that you have my best interest at heart. All of the other women want me for them. You, to the extent that you want me, want me for the both of us. I want that too. I wish I could teleport you beautiful and perfectly tanned ass to this room as I am writing this. Not for sex, or even conversation, just for a cuddle and an affirmation that I have never had it better, and maybe you have never had it better too.

You are organic to me, so much like earth and water and air – good stuff, like those things at the Grand Canyon perhaps, or Macchu Picchu, where I imagine awe-inspired peace. To be around you like last night is to find so much comfort. It has always been that way, from the beginning, even the times when it may not have been like it. Those times I was a boy on a playground having issues with the strength of my feelings. I apologize again.
If you would have asked me in October would we be able to spend time like we do now in July, I would have completely dismissed any such speculation. This is still like a dream to me, like you are at times, like the Grand Canyon can only be to me right now as well. I honestly thought that this could never be. That we would drift further and further from each other until we were just specks on the horizon of our pasts. I am glad the sea changed and brought us back closer, and into better focus.
My aching heart has not fully mended. Sometimes I feel like there is only one thing that can make that happen. But I have joy. Joy in the fact that I have attacked my problems and gotten most of them under control, and joy in the fact that when I returned with these repairs that you were willing to let me back in. Even though it is not completely what I want, I am so happy for us to get to spend time together the way we do now. There is not another you out there, I have realized that now. I hope you will try again with me. I hope you will give us that chance again. I will keep my panic in check.

For G,
Hope you enjoy this one at least half as much as you did the first.
I love you.
B
So I started reading the new Jonathan Safran Foer book tonight, cracking the cover and leafing through the first few pages only to come across that inscription. It was dated 21 August 2005. Do the quick and easy math I put together that that was about two weeks before we officially broke it off. You know I keep all of the dates in my head. Sometimes I wonder why. I know that an important date that will be hard for me to get through is coming up. I may decide to sleep through it, or I may just decide to smile through the whole thing.
I remember the day we got the book I started tonight. It was during those dreamlike days when it was all falling apart. I say dreamlike because they weren’t really a nightmare, I just spent them feeling as if I was walking around outside of myself, or I wasn’t walking around at all. When I did come to my senses I felt such despair, and the rushing desire to make it all okay – to solve the problem with one move.
I guess I thought a book might do it that day that we were in Barnes and Noble together. I guess I was grabbing at straws. I guess I thought a trip to the mountains, even if it was a cheesy little tourist trap, might solve it all. Seeing those mountains, something so much larger than us, or seeing the river that has been running long before us or these problems, maybe that type of perspective would give us the saving insight needed to make it all work out.
I realize now that it was all too late then.
When 4 September rolled around, that afternoon when the conversation happened, I guess I thought we would just drift apart. All the words would eventually be naught, the trips to beaches and mountains and Sparkle and Macon and Athens, would be just memories that one day might become bearable. I never imagined that we would have what we have now. That you would come to me. That you would find me valuable again.
It is still like a dream at times to get to spend time with you. Not all that that implies, but sometimes when we have dinner, I don’t believe that it is really you across the table, it is beyond me to think that you could still be there. In a way it is like it is not you at all.
We are now getting to know each other in new and different ways than we ever did before. You are not radically different, just growing. I like to see that. I am doing the same. Sometimes I don’t believe that I will ever find anyone that will love me like you did, and maybe do. I keep trying out, and I realize that relationships can take time to build, but everything seemed so natural in the beginning between us (even though I know that is when some of the seeds were sewn). I still look at you during those dinners and those walks and I try to get beyond the idealized version of you I kept in my head during the time in which we did not really see each other. To the largest extent, I believe I have been successful in breaking through the myth. What still remains is something I am still so in love with. I try to keep my shit together, and by and large I do. I know you know that it still hurts me at times. It hurts when you have to leave and I know you will not be coming back here tonight, because this is no longer ‘home’ for you.
I have arrived at the thought that man was not really meant to live alone. I crave conversation, someone to bounce ideas off, to tell me a joke when I am down. I also crave someone that fulfills that unexplainable little vacant inside. The only one who has ever done that is you. Steve asks me to tell him what I mean when I tell him that and I cannot really put words to it. It just feels like peace and ease. It just feels good.

I hope your feet are rested. I hope the baby was good. I hope your dreams are sweet. Tomorrow will be fine. Tomorrow will be fine. Wear your pride, your confidence, like a badge of honor. I wish that your supple back recline in slumber without a worry in the world. I wish for love to come into your life, for this world is more beautiful when your love is in it.

I drive past your house tonight and you, most likely, have been in bed for a couple of hours already. I don’t even really know what I have been doing out in this night. Perhaps it is restlessness, maybe a search. I too am still looking for answers, ones that I expect will ultimately be impossible to lay my hands on, but that still will be found through the process.
I know you are gaining your independence, you are feeling less tied to others, and on some level that feels good to you right now, as it should. I know that you feel so let down by so many too. I wish that you didn’t have to feel that way. I know that I play at least a small part in that feeling and I am sorry that I could not have been light and positive substance and uplift. I am sorry I was such a destructive force. I think you have tried to forgive me, but have yet to be able to fully do so. I hope it will come one day. To that end, I do not want to continue to burden you. I feel like you are so full of rage lately that you have very little patience for me, and I hesitate to even mention it for fear of being seen, once again, as another burden. I do not want to be that for you.
I feel that despite your independence, and the positivity therein, you are still so fundamentally sad and angry on many levels. Although I realize that it is futile to even try, I still wish that I could make it all better. I wish I could give you another positive thing to believe in that would help take away the rage and the sucky-world feeling. I can tell you that I do not feel that it is, but I guess my circumstances are different than yours right now. There’s not much I can do to help, so know that tonight I am doing all I feel I can. I am writing this, and I am hoping and praying that things start to be better, happier, more worth suffering for the potential reward.
I remember how excited you were when Gates told you she was pregnant. That was the night before you and I broke up. I also remember your excitement at finding out about the twins, and the sadness at the loss of the one. I remember even just a few weeks before delivery, you talking so excitedly about it. I also remember the anxious anticipation that you had during the last days of her pregnancy, and the morning of the delivery when you called me from IHOP where you were giggling with your mom. I wish that that excitement was still the way in which you could regard Gates and the Clary now. I know the reasons why it is difficult right now, but I can still wish and pray for that for you too. You may feel you have been forsaken by many, Grier, especially many men – and I know that I acted like such an ass at times – but please don’t doubt my love. I loved you through it all, I love you through this now as well, and I hope to love you through what you will face in the future. Whether you want or need it, know that it is always there.

You will be so outstanding. You deserve this. I don’t even think I understand the thing that has been bequeathed to me. I have thought about moving back there to be with those kids.
I miss you so much. I am sorry I ever lied to you. Thanks for believing tonight that I was real. I try to be. I want to be that. I think that that is where I am supposed to be.
I wish that you would make me yours, so I might make you mine. That is the only way this can happen.
You will not get this until Monday; of course my desire will not change.
My feelings have never faltered. You have always been the one.
I want to meet Clary. Maybe soon?

Do you know tonight that JT has been here? I saw that you called earlier. We’ve been doing the thing that we do… out with family, beautiful family, and children. You knew me when his father died. Still as close as I’ve ever come. I guess it will all come to haunt me one day. I think I know god these days, but I am not sure that he has prepared me for that yet.
Do you also know that the nights we spent in this bed, we became locked in rhythm? That’s a funny word. Doesn’t even look right on paper. I could feel your heart beat through your back as I clenched you tightly, and you held me so close. Our hearts beat as one for a while there. I kissed your bare back, and would.
J and I stared at a picture of you in Helen today. I know that was a disaster weekend, but you were so beautiful. We were trying to keep something alive amidst a sense of death. I loved you then as much as ever. I wish we cold have just simply slept together. That I could have simply felt your heart exploding through your spine and back, and into my heart, like I always thought you intended it to. Know that I have always loved you the most. Know that you taught me what it is to feel that. Know that your face turned my heart totally.
You have power that I love, and embrace.
I hear morning birds singing… for me, and for you.
I love you so much, G.

There’s a pregnant commercial on the TV and the woman is scooping ice cream or yogurt or something off of her stomach as she laughs. You would be so beautiful in that state. This is surely silly.
Love you,
B