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It’s all gonna be alright,
breathe fucker, breathe!
Ooooohhhhm!
It’s all gonna be alright.
I am a bird and there is
no land and no nothing,
and I will fly on knowing
it’s all gonna be alright,
and on and on.

Up too late again. This is how it goes these days. After the break up I could not wait to get to sleep. I would sleep anywhere at any time if given 5 minutes just to relax. Now, I have not had but about 8 hours of sleep over the last two nights. I have been feeling mostly good until today. I spent much of it by myself. I went tonight to a movie and music festival by myself, but it only stood to remind me of how alone and lonely I have been all day. I have gotten used to weekdays, but I have far fewer Saturdays – many of them spent other places – and it takes some getting used to when you awake alone and realize that the rest of the day will be much like that. I don’t know. I want some sort of relief and I cannot figure out how to get it. And all of this after having a great day yesterday. I was strong, forward-looking and hopeful. I don’t know where it all went today. Listening to sad songs and reading way to much good, but sad, poetry probably doesn’t help the cause much. I think the medication is part of the late nights. I want to fall asleep right now and sleep a very long time. Maybe the morning will bring a new reason. We’ll see.

It was on that last night,
before I took you out to the truck,
and before mother’s litany
of photos from the Northeast,
and before the phone call,
that phone call,
later the next day,
and even before the final foot rub
for my parents, and all the world,
to see, as we sat on that
love seat, and I believed
that being there may indeed
make the love possible –
you and I were in the bedroom
one last time (why
were we there?) and
I asked would you sleep
here with me again before
I have to leave this place and
you said, “yes,” and I fell for it, and
later we kissed and said goodbye
for the final time out by your truck,
and that too was before
I knew what the next day would bring,
and now I sit here in this bed, and
I haven’t washed the sheets or made
the bed since then, and it stays wrinkled
and in the space where my body usually lays
there’s an indentation, and where yours laid
there is a chalk outline
surrounding a lone pillow,
and where my heart lies,
restless most nights,
there’s a chalk outline
around it too.

click head to enlarge

I am going on the big ego here now. It is late Friday/early Saturday and I am working on AJC stuff still after going to see “Thumbsucker”, which I would recommend, with A tonight. This morning, standing in my boxers and waiting for the shower to warm up, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized this thing was growing on my face. I know I need to do something with it. I think I will mow this weekend. I just thought I would post this here so you guys would realize exactly how bad it can get.
I thought of posting a full body nude photograph of myself here as well, so y’all could see how much weight I have lost (28 pounds since the beginning of August, or roughly 1/8 my previous body weight), but realizing I plan to keep the weight off until I see all of you, I decided to spare you and me the embarassment. Besides, the company that hosts bullpencatcher will not host pornography, even though I assure you, despite the facial hair, this would not be pornographic or titillating in the least.

I know that some of you think that I should be over this by now, and I guess I think it at times too, but I am still struggling with the breakup. G was the one, so I thought and still do to a certain extent, and it is just so hard to get over that.
The days are going on and our relationship now has become mostly electronically epistolary. It is frustrating at times to have to wait for a response to an email, to not be able to just call her up – even more, not to be able to see her. It is odd that one of the people that you love most in the world, and that you think the highest of, is also a person that you cannot just pick up the phone and call. I guess that’s what most people feel when standing on my side of a breakup – a little bit helpless, a little bit crestfallen, and a little bit confused.

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Awh, babe! Where are you? I know you are there, I felt it tonight. See, it has turned cold out – a little nip in the air tonight – the first of the season, and I am coming back to this house, and this bed and the AC is finally not working overtime, and I have to keep socks on as I walk around on these wooden floors. Out tonight, late, I went to retrieve T on his return from gambling wonderland, he did not win. From the airport and to the Winchester and a sandwich and then delivered him to the highrise and all of that. I didn’t even mention you one time to him tonight. Nothing about where my heart is, or if it is hurting, healing or just hanging on. Just a sandwich too late for proper sleep and rest, and then home. And during the getting back part it takes me by that place where you are, and I feel it, up the steps with lights out and two hours into slumber and I feel my heart adhere lock-step to the beating of yours, and I feel warm, and the bed seems less lonely, and I know that this cold winter may be a little easier to get through, now that I have found you.

Oh, it’s Friday and I greet these weekends with relief and apprehension. They definitely have not gotten back to being the relaxing time they once were, although they slowly move in that direction. I left work early for a 1 PM therapy session only to wait in the waiting area until 1:25, then to find out that my therapist was not in. I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I checked voicemail, but nothing from him. I imagine he either had an emergency, or he simply forgot. I left a message and hope to hear the reason soon.

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The things they didn’t tell you when you checked into this world… it was all printed in a booklet given to your mother just after you had descended the birth canal and she was in no state to be the keeper. It was written in type way too tiny for little baby eyes to read anyway. They intentionally keep this information from you, and you eventually learn the hard way. There will be no repairs, refunds or exchanges for certain types of damage caused by misuse, or any of these other scenarios:

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