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Today began almost like the others, a small emptiness in the stomach, 300 mg of Wellbutrin, skip the Cheerios, had no Diet Coke in the house. Stayed up too late last night working on the new laptop that my aunt just bought me and from which I am now wirelessly writing this. Long story about working on it, but now I have it up and running, but cannot connect to the AJC network. I need to revert to a previous version of the OS. Does this bore you? It kind of bores me, and I know what I am talking about. Too much time spent on technical dilemmas.

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Today, again began like the rest, except this time with a 300 mg dose of Wellbutrin XL. My prescription has doubled, apparently to the standard dose. I have been told that any binge drinking on this dosage would run the risk of causing seizures. If my sanity and recovery weren’t enough to keep me from drinking, this scarey possibilty surely is more than an added incentive. Today was up and down and up again. I am finishing the day on an upswing. Played tennis earlier with new friends. Went to Outback for filet with T and L. I am feeling lonely still, but more clearheaded now. I don’t know if it is the meds, or if it is just getting better. A lot of the white noise that used to buzz about in my head seems to have dissipated. I am enjoying things a little more. Still sad and lonely and very missing of G. I can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel a little bit though. I don’t know exactly what I will find when I get there, but I am willing to go forth.

Today began like the rest during this experiment. I awoke, ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, popped the top on a Diet Coke and then popped my 150 mg Wellbutrin XL. I went to work for a while and then had an appointment with the prescribing doctor at 3PM. We talked for an hour. He told me that he could tell that I was feeling better, that my demeanor was more upbeat and I looked to have energy. He asked me where I would like to be in five years, and I laughed. At times it is hard for me to know where I want to be in five days, much less five years. All I could come up with was: 1) I would like to be married (kid[s] optional in 5 years), 2) I would like to have a mortgage, and 3) I would like to have ventured into a larger more significant writing project (publishing optional).
We talked about how education and creativity open us up to many more options than some people have. I told him that that leads to the “cable television effect”, the one where when we only had three network broadcast channels on TV there was always something good to watch, but now that we have over 200 there is never anything worth watching. We become paralyzed by choice, and I think this has been a predicament for much of my adult life. I have a bit of musical talent, a bit of writing talent, a bit of design talent… but how could I ever choose to pursue one of these solely, or even more than another. He said that these should be viewed as opportunities to me, not burdens, that the thing that I needed to get working the most in my head was my indexing and priority systems. Then decisions would come easier. I thought it would have been great to be able to tell G, “I think Sotto Sotto would be great tonight, I’ve been craving Risotto!” when she asked, “Where would you like to go to dinner?” Indexing, prioritizing. Something is not computing right in the old internal CPU.

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Yesterday was Day 6. Still not really feeling any effect from the drug that I can really feel. I got up as usual, another 150 mg, and then to the gym for some treadmill time. I have lost 17 lbs. since robert left at the beginning of August. I am not really trying to lose weight, but if there’s a silver lining to all that is going on, that is surely it. I spent most of the day relatively comfortably alone yesterday, only stepping out to play pool with Tommy for an hour late in the afternoon.
G called last night and gave me the update on the wedding over the weekend. We talked and I believe I was more updbeat than I have been lately. I am starting to not care as much. Not that I don’t care, I just don’t care as much. I realize that there are so many things about my situation right now that are out of my hands, and that I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot actively do anything about. I really need to just keep on track with my personal plan and things will work out for the best, no matter what that is. I know it sounds a bit pop-psychy, but I’ll keep telling myself that.

I am reading a book about a guy who starts to take medication for chronic indecision. He has real trouble making event the most basic choices – whether to go to dinner with his girlfriend, out with friends etc. He starts taking the “experimental” drug for his condition, and at this point in the novel he is even more paralyzed, putting off making decisions for a week or so, until the drug starts working. I feel like that is somewhat where I am on my new regiment of Wellbutrin. I am starting to set up strategies to deal with my new circumstances, but am wondering if the medication will make me need new strategies – or at least different ones – once the medication starts to work. I have been told it will be 2 weeks to a month before the real effects will be found, and I am only 5 days into my treatment. I have moments of relaxation and clarity, but those many times give way to confusion, anxiety and over-analysis of even the smallest details of my situaiton. I don’t know how or if Wellbutrin will help with these, I hope so. But I feel that I cannot just wait until the medication kicks in before I really start dealing with these tendencies. If you read this and have advice, I am open to it.

Yesterday was day 3. Same bowl of serial, another 150 mg. Tommy told me I needed to build a morning routine, and I guess I kind of have it now. It is anchored around taking my medication. My day went well, minimal amount of the blues, until I was coming home. It was then I realized that I had been having a bit of anxiety related to spending the whole night alone last night. I arrived at the house after work to find the City of Atlanta had come and cut down the one remaining oak on the street by the house – that sent me over the edge and I started crying before I could even get in the front door. I called mom and caught her on the way into the mall to talk about it. I finally calmed down. Talked with JT later, went to the bookstore, came home and read for a while with baseball in the background. Later, G called from Sparkle and we had a good conversation. Seems like things may be continuing to improve in that area of my life. In case, you don’t know, I love her so much.

I awoke on day 2 much better than the day before. No scarey dreams or anything of that nature. A little of the hit in the gut feeling, still forgetting while sleeping the changes that have occurred. I immediately recovered fairly well though. I had another bowl of cold cereal and took another 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL. I felt calmer and more energized, some of which had to do with the phone call that came out-of-the-blue from G the night before. My primary emotional problem on a day-to-day basis is how much I am missing her, and it was nice that she called.

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Yesterday was my first day on Wellbutrin. I awoke in the morning, turned on the morning news shows on TV, and ate a bowl of cold cereal. Then I went to the kitchen and with a bit of adrenalin running through me I popped my first 150 milligrams.

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Tomorrow I start anti-depressants for the first time in my life. After much time resisting and feeling my brain reacting against me time and time again, I finally gave in. I got over my Marxist tendencies to consider it another opiate, a way of making happy workers and happy kids who would grow up to be happy workers and would not question the status quo. I went to a psychiatrist who explained what the research on the brain was in these matters, and I left his office with a two week supply of Wellbutrin XL Extended Release formula.
I am so tired of feeling depressed, and the recent events and changes in my life have not really helped matters in this department.

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G’s grandmother died last night at around 11 PM. She had fallen a couple of days ago and broken her hip. Earlier last night she had a massive heart attack and G called to tell me that. She then called this morning to let me know that Thama had died.
What I knew of “Thama” (a name G’s sister, the oldest grandchild, created through childhood speech) were these things.

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